The Power of Venting
February 9, 2012 – While reading an article today on breaking impasses in mediation, the question was raised whether or not venting helps people get past their emotions in order to reach an agreement. Although the author of the article suggests that venting is detrimental, it is an interesting question nonetheless. The crux of the issue is whether venting really clears the air to enable true communication, or whether venting exacerbates the emotional mindset thereby blocking communication. For without true communication, no agreements can be reached.
We’ve all encountered venting. The wife at a mediation session, after venting about how her husband never listens to her, concluding that if he only would listen to her they wouldn’t be getting divorced. The teenager venting about how her life is so awful because her parents did this or that, when in reality she is upset from a fight with a friend. You find yourself venting to your (spouse/child/employee/friend) and as your vent escalates, you begin heaping additional criticisms from past events and past conducts of that person.
The power of venting is all encompassing. In minds stuck in negativity, venting stymies all communication and progress because, by airing the grievance, venting keeps the emotional level high and fans the flames of the controversy while maintaining the distance between the two people. In more positively oriented minds, venting allows the dispute to be diffused by letting the air out of the sails of the controversy. The venting allows the person a platform to be heard. Having been heard, the person venting may enter a state of calmness. Then, and only then, is the situation ripe for a resolution.
Of course, both people need to be of a similar, positive mindset for progress to ensue. The ventor needs the platform to be heard and the ventee needs to actually listen and hear. Too often the ventee shuts down, at times accompanied by a rolling of the eyes, and ceases to listen. And when the ventor notices the ventee’s reaction – and I guarantee the ventor will notice – the venting gets notched up to the proverbial 11.
We are dealing with communication and as such both parties to the conversation must employ the appropriate mindsets to achieve a mutually beneficial, win-win, resolution.
(For simplicity’s sake, I’ve used an example of a two sided conversation. Remember, the same rules apply to our internal conversations. So when we feel the need to vent about some aspect of our lives we should strive to learn effective tools to enable the vent to be of actual assistance in our achieving our goals.)
However the issue is formulated, someone in the throes of an intense emotional state of mind is incapable of fully hearing the other person or of thinking clearly enough to navigate the intricacies of true communication. Incapable that is until the person effects a shift in mindset. The shift called for is threefold: calmness; awareness; and mindfulness. Calmness helps keep you focused even as you remain aware of your emotions or if your conversation partner gets heated and emotional. Awareness allows you to accurately gauge your staying true to your goals and values. Mindfulness allows you to keep tabs on the conversation’s staying on course and not getting sidetracked to irrelevant or ancillary issues.
Achieving the mindsets of calmness, awareness, and mindfulness takes time, practice, and patience. Old habits are being replaced by new, more productive habits. And as we discussed in previous blogs, developing new habits takes time and effort. It is easier said than done. Yet it is attainable.
Valentine’s Day is next week. Give your loved ones a true gift of love and work towards a mindset shift which will transform venting into a tool for effective communication. The key to effective communication is staying focused on achieving the goal of the conversation. Calmness, awareness, and mindfulness are the tools which will help you stay the course and, like the Dude, abide.
Consider the Possibilities.
Adam J. Krim
www.resipsa.net
Groundhog Day
February 2, 2012 – Today is Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil told us to expect another six weeks of winter. Would that knowing the future could be so easy and effortless. Alas, we mortal humans don’t have it so easy. We are charged with taking control of our lives, making decisions, and effecting the change we wish to see in our lives. Doing so requires taking stock of our lives and reaching an awareness that there are things we wish to change. Next is deciding what things to change (setting goals), and then planning how to effect those changes (devising the all important action plans).
There are many of us who manage to get to this stage and then sit in bewilderment when things don’t work out the way we envisioned. Recognizing that change is desired and setting plans to effect that change is only part of the solution. The most important, missing piece of the puzzle is Zitsflaish (Yiddish for patience – literally sitting meat); sitting with the plan and working on it until you achieve your desired results. That is the hard work. It is so easy to raise our hands in defeat and exclaim that we can’t change life, that this is just the way things are, that this is the nature of the beast. Giving in to this temptation dooms us to living and reliving Groundhog Day everyday.
Zitsflaish. Sitting with your action plan, like a slab of meat on a table, tweaking it as necessary, requires patience, belief in yourself and the overall plan, and perseverance in the face of minor setbacks. Developing this ability will guide you to effecting the change you want, and you will thereby avoid the fate of waking every morning to the “same old same old” as Phil Connors did until he, not only realized that he can change but, actually worked long and hard to make the change.
Previously we discussed this concept in “Tis Easier Said Than Done,” “Creatures of Habit,” and “Speak the Same Language” to name a few blogs. Look for next week’s blog on how this concept comes to play in “The Power of Venting.”
Consider the Possibilities
Adam J. Krim
www.resipsa.net
Stress Revisited
January 25, 2012 – One all too common challenge faced by everyone is stress. Stress is an integral part of life. Stress motivates us to accomplish our goals. As such, stress is desirable. Left unchecked, however, stress has the power to overwhelm thereby blocking accomplishments and often leads to adverse health conditions by causing elevated adrenaline and cortisol levels for prolonged periods of time.
If all this sounds familiar, it is. I previously wrote several pieces on harnessing stress to achieve success. See Res Ipsa Moments Blog dated May 7, 2010 and newsletter articles from May and June 2010 (www.resipsa.net/newletter.htm). In those writings I delineated several approaches to dealing with stress and suggested that an interactive approach to stress was the most effective way to harness stress and successfully achieve goals.
Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal published a relevant article (“When Stress Is Good For You” http://on.wsj.com/xI6kee) describing the science behind stress management, the benefits conferred by reasonable stress levels, and the harmful effects of prolonged high stress levels. One of the more interesting studies discussed dealt with college students who were coached to believe that feeling stress before taking an exam was natural and could improve performance on the exam. The control group was not coached. The coached group of students posted higher levels of salivary amylase, a protein maker for adrenaline that is linked to episodes of beneficial stress. More importantly for our purposes, the coached students scored higher on the both the practice exam in the lab and in the real exam a few months later.
It is gratifying to see how scientific research lends credence to coaching modalities.
There is truly nothing new under the sun. Every day brings new challenges and so every day is different. Yet, each day’s unique challenges offer us pathways to realize opportunities. Our goal is to adopt the mindset which will provide us with the resilience and broad-minded thinking to turn daily challenges into opportunities which will then propel us to success.
Consider the possibilities.
Adam J. Krim
Speak the Same Language
January 1, 2012 - Today is New Year’s Day, a time to contemplate resolutions for the coming year. Topping many lists are traveling to foreign countries and learning a new language. And what’s the biggest challenge in traveling to a foreign country? First and foremost is the difference in language, which more often than not is as foreign as the landscape. Indeed, the ability to effectively communicate while traveling can spell the difference between a great vacation and an awful one.
What about communicating while at home? We are, after all, social creatures who are inherently tied to our linguistic ability. We experience and learn about the world and other people through our use of language. Miscommunication and misunderstanding might be expected while speaking a foreign language. But how is it that we, even while speaking our native language, so often misinterpret and misunderstand each other?
The source of our misunderstandings and misinterpretations often lies in unshared premises and assumptions. We might use words differently from one another. Our agenda in our discussions or negotiations might be different from our partner’s. In short, we fail to speak the same language.
Jonathan M. Hyman, in his article “The Roots of Impasse in the Mind of the Mediator,” delineates four different mental modes, approaches, to explain this phenomenon:
1. Positional/distributive – I want a bigger share of the pie;
2. Value creating – I want to help you get what you want too;
3. Relationship – I want to maintain a solid relationship with you; and
4. Understanding – I want to be understood.
Essentially Hyman highlights the challenge of establishing true communication or negotiation when the parties operate from different mindsets, that is speak different languages. Learning to bridge this communication gap is critical not only for a mediator facilitating clients in reaching their agreements, but also for anyone engaged in conversation or negotiation. Consider any conversation you may have with your spouse, your partner, your team member, your boss, or your employee. Remember anytime you had a disagreement or failure to understand each other in a conversation. Think about what led to that misunderstanding. Consider how the conversation might have unfolded had you responded to what the other person really was concerned about by being aware of the mindset and understanding the language.
This is the goal of active listening. Listen carefully, read between the lines, when engaged in conversation or negotiation. Consider your negotiating partner’s true agenda, the true motivation, and then consider effective ways to address that concern. Doing so acknowledges and validates your negotiation partner’s mindset and makes a meeting of the minds and the reaching of an agreement more likely.
So much for understanding the other person. Now, what about yourself? How well do you know yourself – recognize your true motivations? You’re engaged in a conversation and you suddenly find yourself reacting emotionally without thinking clearly and painting yourself into a corner. How did you get to such an extreme position? Where, in the talk, did the communication get derailed? Assuming your goal was to reach an agreement, how did you lose sight of that goal and get distracted to the point of reverting to positional arguing/negotiation?
A more constructive response would be to sidestep the trap of button-pushing and keep a firm eye on the goal of reaching an agreement. In other words, keep a finger on your own pulse during the conversation, and stay true to your goal driven path of truly communicating with the other person. Stay on target. Remain in conversation mode. Continue speaking the same language.
Speaking the same language while engaging in serious, intense conversations or negotiations is a matter of maintaining the delicate balance – the dance – between your true agenda and that of your partner. It takes two to tango. It takes two (or more) to communicate and engage in conversation.
So this year, resolve to learn not a new language; but rather to speak your native language more effectively. Be aware of your partner’s mindset as well as your own. In short – remain in effective conversation mode, maintain the balance and enjoy the dance.
Consider the Possibilities
Adam J. Krim
Creatures of Habit
December 6, 2011 – We are all creatures of habit, which is to say, we are all created by, and the products of, our habits. Habits, by and large, are good things. They provide the necessary shortcuts which enable us to perform our daily, routine tasks efficiently. Consider the effort it take to come up with a new plan of action, with a new course of conduct. Consider the efficiency of utilizing the plan in various situations. This, then, is the benefit of habits: They free us from the cycle of reinventing the wheel every time we want to take action.
Questions: Are all habits good? How can we determine when a good habit goes bad?
Answers: No, not all habits are good. Determining when a good habit goes bad is easy: When the habit continually leads to an undesired result.
The most common cause of a habit going bad is a changed circumstance for which the habit is no longer suited. We see this all the time in both our personal lives and our careers. Let’s use as our paradigm a relationship which has changed, which is winding down and ending.
A married couple develops short cuts in the way the two people deal with each other. They learn to act in certain ways and to expect certain responses from each other. In short, they develop habits in their behaviors together. These habits work well in a functional, loving relationship and allow the couple to thrive as they grow together.
But what happens when the relationship begins to unravel? Too often divorcing couples continue relating to each other with the same habits and expectations they had when the relationship was on track. They get stuck in their roles vis a vis one another. The dominant one continues imposing his/her will on the other. The subservient one continues empowering the dominant one by continually acquiescing to the other’s will or looking towards the other one for guidance and for decision making. At some point, for a healthy relationship to develop, the two individuals must learn new ways of dealing and relating to one another, i.e., develop new habits. Indeed, these new habits must emerge for there to be a successful mediation where both parties have equal bargaining power. And even after the divorce is finalized, these new habits must be firmly in place for the two people to develop their own personalities separate from the marital couple. Doing so helps reduce the stress of dealing with the “ex” and helps empower the individual to grow as a newly divorced person. This will also ensure a more even keeled post divorce relationship with the children and between the divorced parents themselves.
The key to creating and maintaining effective habits is keeping a finger on the pulse of life’s changing circumstances. “Everything is in a constant state of flux.” Recognize that change is not only inevitable; it is constant. Test your habits regularly to ensure that they are still current and relevant to your life with an eye towards achieving your desired result. Anything less will only result in a prolonged undesired circumstance. Make change effective. Make change productive. Make the change you want to see in your life. To do so, simply fine tune your habits regularly. Create your habits in order to create the life you desire. And proudly acknowledge yourself as a true creature of habit.
Consider the possibilities.
Adam J. Krim
Breathe and Relax
October 25, 2001 - Breathe. Relax. Two key words to live your life by. The two go hand in hand. In order to truly relax, you need to breathe naturally and calmly. And to breathe naturally and calmly you need to relax. So which comes first? In reality there is no first. They happen simultaneously. With practice that is. In Taoist thought this is known as regulating without regulating. Regulate your breathing – control your breathing to be even and relaxed – without thought or active control. How is this accomplished? Well, at first, as with everything else in life, with effort. Calmly inhale for a count of five, hold your breath for a count of five, slowly exhale for a count of five and relax for another count of five. If five is too long a count, build up slowly and begin with a lower number. Over time you will find that your breathing becomes more even, more relaxed, and effortless.
So how is this relevant to our topics?
Consider your elevated stress levels at work as your project deadline approaches.
Consider your ever increasing stress levels as your teenage child alternates between yelling and ignoring you, with the occasional and strategically timed “I love you,” the only constant being the sullen look on her face.
Consider your elevated stress levels as you negotiate with your soon to be ex-spouse over the terms of the proposed parenting schedule.
Can you feel your pulse quickening and your breathing more labored? Can you see this leading to less than optimal responses to the given situation? These are the harmful effects of cortisol released in your system due to prolonged stress. Not only is this harmful to your health, but it also holds you back and impedes peak performance and productivity whether at work with your colleagues and boss, at home with your family or negotiating your divorce settlement with your spouse.
So the next time you feel stressed and operating at less than optimal levels, just breathe and relax. Or is that relax and breathe?
Consider the possibilities.
Adam J. Krim
Sensationalism is Good for News – But not Life
September 12, 2011 – Looking at any newspaper headline, or listening to any news station, in the northeastern United States over the last month and you will have seen sensationalist newscasting/journalism at its finest. Disasters, real and anticipated, from earthquakes, hurricanes, tropical storms, thunderstorms, cresting rivers and flooding, overwhelmed our senses as we listened to the news and stayed glued to the reporting media hoping for the latest update. How much frantic worrying among the population did the reports generate? How much of it was warranted?
To be sure, extreme weather conditions are causes for concern, not only for any disaster which might ensue, but also to prepare for the situation so as to minimize any potential damage. But how much energy ought to be directed towards anticipating such concerns?
Not surprisingly, as in all areas of life, keeping a healthy balance is the answer.
How does this apply to our lives? Think about how often you’ve witnessed a colleague, a partner, a child, sensationalize an issue to the point of stressing out over it. What were your thoughts as you witnessed the overly dramatic (in your opinion) reaction? How effective would you be while mediating your dispute if you engaged in such sensationalism?
Recall your own reactions to a child’s making what you consider a harmful decision. Was the harm real or was it an over-reaction? Imagine your child deciding to postpone college yet again. Is such a decision truly harmful to your child’s future, or is your child simply following his own path and timeline? Or imagine an overly concerned reaction to a pet’s limping due to a swollen paw. Might the injury have been caused by the pet being clipped by a car? Perhaps it’s merely an abscess, easily treatable with antibiotics.
Consider how the above over-reactions result in intense drama which then causes undue stress and tension for you and for those in your life. How helpful, in resolving the issue at hand or in building and maintaining healthy relationships, is this stress and tension over what might be?
Remember: Concern over potentialities is natural and in order only insofar as the concern leads us to take precautions to avoid catastrophe and to plan for success. Sensationalism is a proven method to sell newspapers; but not as a method to live your life.
Adam J. Krim
In Gratitude to Blaze
August 16, 2011 – Yesterday, August 15th, was the 42nd anniversary of Woodstock, which although I was a few years too young to attend I felt as though I was there. Yesterday was also the 42nd anniversary of the most powerful moment of my life – the day I was attacked by Blaze, our family’s rambunctious pet golden retriever. Both events were defining moments: One for a generation, the children of the Sixties; one for an individual, me. The battle cry of Woodstock, “Peace, Love and Understanding” and its more general concept of universal brotherhood resonated deeply with me to the point that I felt the Woodstock generation to be my generation. And yet antithetically, my experiences dealing with the physical and emotional trauma and scars resulting from the dog attack left me feeling misunderstood, unloved, and isolated from my peers. It took years of introspection and reflection coupled with martial arts training for me to get past the pain, learn to rely on my own strengths and then fully embrace the motto of my generation.
Perhaps all this explains my internal response to yesterday’s conversation with my 16 year old step-daughter. We were talking about her upcoming junior year of high school. She wondered about the anticipated differences from her freshman and sophomore years. She wondered whether there would be hazings of the younger students by the seniors this year. Hazings in high school? Now it was my turn to wonder. Why would a school, any school, have anything but zero tolerance for hazings? Why would parents permit their children to participate in hazings? Why would young adults resort to hazings? The physical harm, although perhaps negligible, is present. Yet more troubling is the emotional harm and scarring. Actions of hazings which result in others feeling humiliated and ostracized most definitely are not consonant with universal brotherhood or Peace Love and Understanding. And yes, I was reminded of my own feelings during my teen years in junior and high schools.
The major lesson in all this is understanding that dog attacks and hazings are merely two examples of situations in which people are hurt. Living in society, in contact with others, we are constantly at risk of being hurt. Strangers on the street, friends, family members, bosses, work colleagues, all may take actions which might hurt us. We have no control over this. Whether or not we allow the pain to escalate and fester into suffering, however, is a choice we are presented with. Why choose suffering? Choose instead Life. Choose to engage fully with your circumstances in a positive manner which will guide you towards success.
Although there have been moments in my younger years when I wished with all my being that Blaze had not attacked me or that I’d had the tools then to defend myself, the reality is that by attacking me and leaving me a scarred arm as a daily reminder, Blaze helped mold me into the man I am today by presenting me with the opportunity for growth and change. And for that I am grateful.
Adam J. Krim
Imagine the Possibilities
August 8, 2011 – So much has happened – so many changes – in my life this summer. All of them good things by any standard. In chronological order: we moved; my oldest son got engaged; and Jackie and I were married in an intimate ceremony in our backyard surrounded by, among a few others, our moms, and all seven of our children.
Through all the excitement there was, as always, time to reflect.
Reflecting on the past was highlighted for me as I caught up recently with Joel, an old friend and former colleague who is now the general counsel of a large public sector organization. Joel told me that when he assumed the post he wanted to streamline and improve the functioning of the organization. As anyone who has ever worked for a large organization (whether private or public sector) knows, changing the organizational mentality is no small task. Whereas his predecessors were old world managers who relished holding all the power and keeping their staffs on tight leashes, Joel recognized that through effective leadership he could maximize the output – both quantitative and qualitative – of his staff. To that end Joel retained an executive coach with whose help and guidance the legal department was reorganized. Rather than one person making all the decisions, Joel granted autonomy to his department heads to manage their own staffs while reporting to him once a week. Joel’s reorganization met with some internal and external resistance, yet his resolve remained unwavering. Joel knew that by relinquishing power he would gain a more dedicated and higher performing staff. And so it was: After three years, Joel’s legal department has grown in personnel and in its output. Loyalty and engagement levels are at all time highs and the work is getting done more efficiently and effectively than before.
And all this because one person promoted to a managerial position chose instead to become a leader by reflecting on the way things were, imagining the possibilities by creating a vision of how things might be, instilling autonomy instead of autocracy and encouraging full engagement of his staff.
Adam J. Krim
Prime Conditions for Being Engaged
May 23, 2011 - While at a meeting the other day, I mentioned some of the research and work I’m doing on engagement and the response from the other side of the table was a smile and the words “that’s a happy topic.” Knowing what was understood and implied, I quickly set the record straight. The engagement I refer to is not the romantic kind; but rather the more encompassing engagement in life and specifically in the workplace. Of course, the secrets and skills of achieving full engagement are readily transferable from the workplace to all other areas of life, including the romantic.
So what are these secrets and skills necessary for engagement to ensue?
Not surprisingly, prime conditions for engagement are feeling valued and that our efforts make a difference. To encourage these conditions, we must establish a sense of choice and allow for the development of competency with respect to the task at hand. Essentially the perennial question of WIIFM (What’s in it for me) must be addressed. We ask ourselves this question to gauge our own level of motivation and engagement; and we ask this question from others’ perspectives to gauge their engagement and motivation levels for the endeavor at hand. Successfully answering this question brings about a true buy-in which then establishes the basis for choosing to act.
The old paradigm of the offer of reward (the carrot) and the threat of punishment (the stick) no longer holds sway. Research has proven that this paradigm does not yield engagement and in fact stymies engagement. A new way to motivate ourselves and others must be devised.
We will explore this topic over the next several months both in blogs and in my newsletter. In the meantime, and to bring this concept to the practical sphere, here is a twofold question to consider:
First, in what specific ways can you encourage desired behavior in others to encourage and enhance engagement?
Second, in what specific ways can you apply this concept to yourself, to encourage your own full engagement at work and in your life?
Remember, WIIFM is a question we should ask ourselves about ourselves and about others.
Adam J. Krim
